Tuesday OBGYN

I went to the OBGYN today and had a check up since the miscarriage.   I also had blood work done this morning to make sure my pregnancy hormone was going away.  I was fine this morning and ready to get this appointment over and try to "start over".  I wasn't expecting to see over 50+ PREGNANT ARMY WIVES!!!  Worst fucking wait of my life.  To see everyone so happy with their husbands, that beautiful baby belly, and glowing skin.  I could have died I was so upset.  Then I get back their to see the doctor and she told me that my pregnancy hormone actually went higher instead of lower.  This was from Sunday to Tuesday so why did it go up?? She couldn't explain it and said that maybe my body is just producing the hormone still thinking I'm pregnant when I'm not or I've already got pregnant again and its really early.  I  couldn't get a clear answer and that makes my heart ache to wait until Thursday for more tests.  She said I would get another ultra sound Thursday and find out the truth behind it all.  But she said more than likely, its just a miscarriage taking time to "heal".  I will never understand what went wrong.  She said everything looks good inside my body so she doesn't know what went wrong.   Sunday night I stayed up all night and sat in a chair in the back yard under the cold, windy air.  I wonder if these last two babies were boys or girls, if they had my eye color, or what kind of personalities they had.  I will never know, and that's the hardest part.  I know people loose kids everyday and loved ones, but the bottom line is, its never easy.  My family doesn't know how hard this is and I really wish they would stop saying things like "You might not be able to have any more babies"  or "Somethings wrong, you need to get checked out".  Don't say stupid shit like that.  It ruins my self esteem and hope of having another baby.  We will try again sooner or later and next time I won't tell anyone besides Ram.  I didn't get any good response from telling my family this past time, so I probably won't tell them next time.